More words.

I couldn’t stand it any longer, I had to at least send out some real thoughts to him.

Me:

a) These months “away” from each other have brought back my respect for you, at Easter those drinking stories did tamper that feeling slightly, but I believe (and hope) that kind of life is not really what you want. Do you agree?

b) For me, respect and friendship are needed most in a relationship. I’ve been thinking alot about everything and I believe those 2 attributes contribute to the overall compatibility, honesty, trust, love, compromise, self-improvement, and communication between 2 people. Does this seem reasonable?

c) Am I completely off the mark with everything and should just stop annoying you?

p.s. I do feel awkward/shy around you (like a girl with a crush), so if I’ve acted distant/quiet that’s why.

Him:

A.   I know you have a “professional” job that you have to keep a clean “image” among your community.  I too have to do the same.  Only difference is every night at work everyone is judging me and critiquing me.  This also happens every where I go and in everything I do even when I am not working.  Drinking and parting among close friends is a time to let loose and be care free to an extent and too relieve some stress.  I have had to calm it down alot because at times it did get out of hand.  Me telling stories about a night when nothing bad happened except some stupid/embarrassing things in my own house.  I hate how you judge me and loose respect for me from a distance when you don’t know what really happened and weren’t there.  I will never be perfect.  I have told you this before.  Just still seems that is what you are expecting of me.  I understand that telling that story at that time was very inappropriate and I do regret it.

B.  I totally agree about respect and friendship.  Along the way you and I have lost both for each other.  Those two things are hard to regain.  I am very reluctant and scared to even think about trusting you and trying to build on those things.  So I haven’t been trying.  Figured if I don’t try, with time they may just come naturally like they did in the beginning.   Truth is I have build a relationship with (*girl)  based on mutual respect, honesty, and friendship.  Although, it does have a shelf life with her leaving I plan on keeping my promise to her on being a better man and not playing games with her while we are together.

C.  You do not annoy me.  I am just keeping my distance.  Don’t know anything about what you are doing and I am not ready to even ask.

Easter was a good day!!!!

Me:

To be honest it has less to do with the “professional” issue. It has more to do with your health, I’ve seen you very sick before from nights of drinking and it just worries me. Regardless of what happens between us I would like you around a long time. As far as the professionalism thing, my mindset has changed on that. Yes, I don’t want to lose ‘respect’ of others but I also can’t continue to live my life worrying all the time ‘how things look’. It prevents me from doing or fully enjoying MY life. People will always have their opinions and judgements, especially those with small minds. My goal is to just live a life that shows that I practice what I preach…to be an example that you can live ‘healthy’ and active while balancing work, family and daily chores. We both have our own tales of stupid shit, it is funny to reflect on if it is not a reoccuring event. People worry about you because they care and they want the best. That is all. I don’t expect perfection but at times I may seem like that just because I feel you are capable of anything you want to do, so I may push you. I just expect support and having someone dependable which you would have no trouble meeting those expectations I believe. If I have to be a ‘single mom’  I’d rather do it actually alone than have ‘2 kids’ which I feel like you commonly see. I need a man, not a deadbeat. I’m not saying you are that, it is just my rant. I am not perfect. I will do stupid stuff. As long as we continue to have the best interest of our family and  learn from mistakes and failures than there is no harm. As long as we just care about the other it will be okay and even if we piss each other off, just waking up in the morning and making the decision to be there and love the other. That is what I want.

We have lost respect for each other yes. But I feel like we have gotten that back. The friendship part never went away really. I am scared I guess but at the same time I feel confidence. I’m glad that you are in a ‘normal’ relationship that is not destructive. I hear she is nice…although the young part of it makes my stomach turn. Strikes an old nerve about being a old lady and getting left after giving someone the best years of my life. But that is my own insecurity that I have put on myself. Deep down I know I am more than enough for any man.  I will go on either way, I belong here. I will not be angry or hateful for whatever you decide or feel because either way it is more than justified, but I would prefer you at my side. I want a partner who I can be vulnerable with and one who can be there to cheer me on and make me want to be a better person. I’ve only felt that once and that was with you. It has been the reason why I’ve broken up with bf’s in the past. And I’ve said this to you before but if I’ve known love its only because of you.