He picked a fight over you out of thin air. So dumb especially when I have been out of touch with you. He wanted to make me sleep on the couch.
So I left. For good.
I thought this year would really be my year. Oh well. 2014 is looking up.
I remember you made us pledge never to sleep separately even if we were mad.
..I wouldn’t have bitten into your heart.
—Cinnamon Colette If I wanted your brain….
p.s. Have a great birthday week. I wonder if you still read this.
2nd home-run of the season so far…crushed it. Feels good to be great at something when other things seem to come so hard. I saw your deer this weekend when I had to go adjust them. A cutie. Although I think if we were together we would be raising it ourselves.
I have Jen’s baby shower Saturday in Utica, then I’m stopping at the lake for the night. I wonder what you’ll be doing. Maybe I’ll see you, but I try not to have expectations anymore.
I wonder what we are doing.
I am glad the radio does not work in my car. When it does I believe literally ever other song is about you and I. I wonder if I’ll help stop thinking of you multiple times a day. It’s been happening for so many years now that I think I will always think of you.
I heard about your job…or lack of. I am sorry for that.
I wonder what you will do.
I wonder if you still have your stash buried in the woods that you told me about awhile ago now. Your safe-keeping for future expenses…like a house.
Maybe it makes no difference to you but I feel disappointed I’m not there for you.
I miss my best friend, my lover, my confidant. But I just keeping pushing down the road. I just push everyday to somehow find a place where I can rest my thoughts of you and make peace with what may happen. I’m pushing through every facet of my life right now, especially I’m pushing back at the notion I will never be married or have children.
Please do not take it personal, its not that I don’t like you or hate you. I just don’t want to be in your way either if you are content where you are.
I wonder if you still have that bottle of wine.
I feel as if I’ve been through a war somedays and you are my phantom limb. You’ll always be there as if I never lost you. But when I look in the mirror I see a side of me missing, just a numbness and pain where you use to be.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not complaining. I have a good life. But it doesn’t mean I’m unscathed.
…is somewhat in your court.
I’m going to see you tonight. It was unexpected. We will see how it goes. I feel foolish. I feel like I’m the only one still standing here. My brothers said you want me because you can have everything else in the world but so far you haven’t been able to have me. I wonder if that is true. I don’t think it is. I think it is deeper. I remember we use to see our friends getting engaged and we would chuckle because they haven’t been through half the stuff we have. Yet we are the ones that are not together and they are all still married. Funny though because everyone still thinks we will get together. We will see. You and I both know we have to move on or make a go. And not just any go, a completely entwined, no holds barred go. I know you will be a good dad. I would have thought just as you have I’m sure that you would be a dad by now. I would like you to be a father, and I just wonder if you will be a good husband. I do not want to go through the hurt again of lying and cheating, as I’m sure you do not either with me. I won’t do that. I promise. My mind and heart still think of you all the time and I think too much about everything. Worry too much. I think you do not respect me anymore and you think I am crazy. If that is true than please move on and be happy. I will never love as I have loved you again. I will love, but it will be different. Nothing can compare to what we did have (is it still there?). Rest assured, no matter what happens in the future, you were my first and my deepest. And I miss my best friend all of the time. That is the sadness I will carry in my heart always if this is as far as our story goes. And while I may carry sadness and regret I will not choose to be sad or bitter. I hope you understand the difference.
That moment when I see a big, blue Ford. There are a few around here, I hold my breath when I see one and my heart sputters. Most of the time it isn’t you…but sometimes it is.
Trust.
I don’t trust that you will love me completely. I don’t trust that I will be enough for you. If you want me so bad why are you letting him win? Once again, I remind myself that you probably think the exact same thoughts.
I’ve been going to counseling. My therapist wondered why I continue to be ‘strong’ and not really opening up truly to people and letting them see me vulnerable even though I know when I do this I feel better, it’s not as scary as I thought it would be, and I connect even more with someone. I told him I’ve only ever been truly vulnerable with only a few people. But that’s a lie. I’ve only been truly vulnerable with you. Not mom, not my girlfriends, and definitely not with any boyfriend. I lost my best friend when I lost you. And truly I lost that ability to be vulnerable, to allow that kind of hurt (even if it was self-inflicted) to be a part of my daily life. I can’t even describe the hurt, only those who have felt deep love and have lost it know that hurt. I don’t cry over you much anymore, somedays overtake me, but I’ve cried so much in the past that I feel that part of me is used up. There is sadness that I carry but I can move forward and still have a ‘normal’ life. It’s like you and I are constantly revisiting our gravesite and remembering our funeral.
So the questions…the past is the past but there are some answers I just want to know and bury. I want to know you will tell me the truth on these? Has this all been a waste of my breath? I keep thinking what are you waiting for?! Will you love me deeper than you ever have and be there for me?
I know you wanted me to chase you but I feel guilty (and stupid) when you have a girlfriend that is decent. If that is what you want I don’t want to mess things up for you. I just wonder. About alot of things. About you.
Friday was my 28th birthday. I wonder if you thought of me. If you felt sadness or regret that you weren’t sharing it with me. I did drive by your house that day. I wonder how my day would have gone differently if I were with you. I need to ask you some questions so I can get on with my life or make one with you. All we do is circle around each other with no one stopping to step in closer.
The poem below is stunningly beautiful. Helps to know many others have had a similar path in love.
You can give me everything I could ever want materially…a lovely home and farm, a new car, horse, etc., etc., etc., but will you love me? Can I count on you to just love me? To just think I am the only one that completes you. I asked you if you were happy with where you were and what you were doing a few weeks ago. You said ‘no, of course not, I thought things would be alot different.’ You want me to chase you, I did alittle. But I’m also the type of girl to not wait. I’m sorry. I know you have waited (sortof). But I wonder if that just wasn’t a way to get more girls, to tell them that you only have loved one woman and she broke your heart. I’m scared, I’m scared I won’t ever find someone. I’m scared to be overly picky, because who is perfect?! As long as we are on the same page and like many of the same things and believe in most of the same things it will be fine. I’ve had enough of new love/dating. I know what I want. I want steady, stability, trustworthiness. I don’t need different men. You always think you aren’t enough for me. If you were actually reading everything you would see I am a committer. I only do long-term relationships, I need stability and support. When I don’t get that than yes I look for it elsewhere. I felt alone at grad school that whole time. I’m always surprised when people mention how much you talk about that and how proud of me you are. I always think you were fighting it the whole way.
I just want both of us to be happy with our decisions we make for the future. I always wonder what is going to happen to each of us. It’s hard to never think of you. But time is running out…I can’t mentally do this to myself for the rest of my life.
While You're Working 